Side note: I wrote this spiritual exercise with a small-group setting in mind. But you can certainly go through this exercise alone. Also, feel total freedom to use this exercise however you want to. Skip some steps, add some steps, alter some steps — do whatever you sense is best for you and/or your group. You may want to use just one of the steps. That’s great!
Tenderness is such a beautiful and powerful aspect of love. When somebody is tender toward me, I feel safer, my heart grows softer, and I tend to open up and reveal parts of myself that need healing and love. One of the reasons my good friend Randy is so good at helping people heal and grow is because he’s so tender, and he’s getting more tender all the time. It’s stunningly beautiful.
Part of the journey toward emotional and spiritual maturity is growing in tenderness, is becoming like God in God’s infinite tenderness. Even though I’m naturally tender, growing in tenderness has been difficult. In my emotional/spiritual journey, I’m learning to ask myself the “barriers” question: what barriers do I have to growing in [fill in the blank]? In regards to tenderness, then, I’ve asked myself the barriers question: what are my barriers to giving and receiving tenderness? I have several barriers, and one of them, for example, is the cultural message that for a man “tenderness is a sign of weakness, and weakness is bad.” I know that that cultural message is a bunch of crap, but for some reason I’m still buying into it to some degree. That’s a barrier. Thankfully, God is helping me to face that barrier and the others and grow in my ability to give and receive tenderness.
I hope this exercise helps you identify your barriers and experience tenderness in a way that’s healing and transformational.
STEP 1: In order to quiet our hearts and minds, we’re going to sit in silence together for about two minutes. Let your thoughts and feelings settle down. Perhaps ask God to help you become aware of his/her presence.
STEP 2: As a way to begin to connect with the tenderness of Jesus, I’m going to slowly read out loud Jesus’ words from Matthew 23:37. Let his words wash over you and sink into you. Allow God to come to you through the words and try to be open to what God wants to surface in you. After I read, we’ll sit in silence for about 30 seconds.
“Jerusalem! Jerusalem! … How often I’ve ached to embrace your children, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you wouldn’t let me.”
STEP 3: Now I’d like for each of us to take a turn reading the verse, but we’re going to change the verse slightly to make it more personal. In the beginning of the verse we’re going to replace the word “Jerusalem” with our own names; and in the middle of the verse we’re going to change the phrase “your children” to “you.” For example, here’s how I’ll read the verse: “Andy! Andy! … How often I’ve ached to embrace you, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you wouldn’t let me.”
As each person is reading, allow God to come to you through the words and try to be open to what God wants to surface in you. If you don’t feel comfortable with reading the verse, that’s OK, you don’t have to read it. I’ll go ahead and read first, and then whoever wants to read next can go ahead and read. After everyone gets a chance to read, we’ll sit in silence for another 30 seconds.
“Andy! Andy! … How often I’ve ached to embrace you, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you wouldn’t let me.”
STEP 4: We’re going to take the next five minutes to journal. I want you to answer the following three questions, including the “barriers” question: 1) what are my barriers to giving and receiving tenderness?; 2) is it more difficult for you to give or receive tenderness, and why?; 3) on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being “very easy”), how easy is it for you to receive tenderness from God, and why?
STEP 5: We’re going to spend some time sharing with each other. Of all the things that you journaled, pick just one thing to share with us. What do you sense God wants you to share, what does God want you to bring into community? Let’s take thirty seconds to listen to God about this.
Of course you don’t have to share if you don’t feel comfortable sharing. I’ll go ahead and share first, and then whoever wants to share next can go ahead and share.
STEP 6: OK, now we’re going to do a series of short exercises to practice — and to experience — giving and receiving tenderness. In this first exercise, we’re going to practice giving tenderness to an object. We’re starting with an object because it often feels easier and safer to be tender toward an object than a human being.
I want everyone to get up and grab an object in the room. It can be anything, a pen, a cup, a figurine, anything. And bring it back to your seat with you.
For the next minute, I want you to be tender toward your object. The only rule is you can’t use words or sounds.
STEP 7: Now we’re going to give and receive tenderness with a human being. So grab a partner and sit facing each other. This time you can only use eye contact to give tenderness. No words, sounds or touching. Just eye contact.
For the first minute, one of you will give tenderness while the other person simply receives the tenderness. Then, for the second minute, switch it around.
STEP 8: OK, now we’re going to try to be tender toward ourselves. I want you to try to be tender toward a part of you that needs tenderness. Go ahead and close your eyes and I’ll lead you through this exercise.
Keep your eyes closed throughout this exercise. Let yourself relax. Take a couple slow, deep breaths. Inhale deeply, exhale deeply. Good.
What part of you needs tenderness? Perhaps it’s one of the parts of yourself that you resent, such as a “people-pleasing” part or a “perfectionistic” part. Perhaps it’s a part that you neglect. Which part of you needs tenderness? Go ahead and pick one part that needs tenderness.
Now I want you to picture that part of you, the part that needs tenderness. What does that part look like? Whatever it looks like, I want you to greet it with tenderness.
And I want you to spend the next minute being tender with that part of you. Perhaps you want to hug it or hold it tenderly, perhaps you want to speak to it tenderly. You know what it needs.
OK, you can open your eyes now.
[Leader's Note: Feel free to mention that it's OK for people to pick a body part that needs tenderness, or an emotion, or a thought, etc. So many parts of us are starving for tenderness.]
STEP 9: OK, now it’s time to try to be tender toward a person who is hard to be tender toward.
Go ahead and close your eyes again. Now I want you to picture a person who is hard to be tender toward. Perhaps this person annoys you or angers you. Whoever it is, I want you to greet this person with tenderness.
And I want you to spend the next minute being tender with this person. Perhaps you want to hug this person or hold this person tenderly. Perhaps you want to speak to this person tenderly. You know what this person needs.
OK, you can open your eyes now.
STEP 10: This is the last exercise. It’s time to soak in tenderness. It’s time to receive tenderness from somebody you trust — it could be Jesus, God as you know of God, or a loving friend or family member.
Go ahead and close your eyes once again. Now I want you to invite a person you trust — again, it could be Jesus, God as you know of God, or a loving friend or family member — to come and shower you with tenderness.
For the next minute I want you to soak in the tenderness. If it’s difficult, that’s OK. Just do your best to receive the tenderness.
OK, you can open your eyes now.
STEP 11: Before we close in prayer, I’d love to give each of you an opportunity to share one or two things about your experiences with the tenderness exercises we just went through.
STEP 12: Let’s close in prayer.
»ARTICLE/INTERVIEW: “Just Say ‘Yes’ to the Moment,” an Interview With Tara Brach (Beliefnet)
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